May: School, Nostalgia and Saying Goodbye to My Childhood

Entry No.10 on finishing school, nostalgia and living in the moment

Dear Diary,

I never open my entries like this despite my page literally being called Hannah’s diary. This month I unofficially said goodbye to my childhood. I finished high school. I spent the past two years at my sixth form after having only attended one institution my entire life. And now I’ve waived goodbye to school and the people I have seen everyday for the past two years, most of whom I will probably never see again. It’s crazy how some people can go from your closest friends, people you wave to in the corridors, you stop to speak and ask about their holiday plans or how their subjects, to complete strangers, to mysteries, to people whose photos you’ll probable stumble across when reminiscing on high school. You’ll look at them and wonder “hmm… I wonder what they’re doing now”.

I enjoyed sixth form for many reasons. For starters, I was doing subjects that I love (with the exception of economics) and so I enjoyed almost every class I went to. Additionally, nobody knew me, before sixth form I went to quite a small school, a distance away from my current school. Thus, when enrolling in my sixth form, I realised I was entering an ecosystem, not just a new environment, but ironically a new world. It was apart of a trust with it’s own set of customs and school traditions and everyone seemed to know everyone but me. At first I felt like an outsider, as most people would, but eventually I grew to embrace it - I’m glad I didn’t have a reputation or that there weren’t any preconceived notions about me before I enrolled. Nobody could say anything to me because they didn’t know me.

Saying goodbye to sixth form felt like I was truly closing a chapter in my life, I’m glad that I’m getting a proper send off though. We had a spirit week with a decades day, bring your belongings to school in something that’s not a bag, wear your old school uniform day and my personal favourite, culture day (#Jamaicatotheworld). I also put my editing skills to use and made a leavers video using my phone and a cheap camera I found online - I think I have a real knack for editing. My video was played in assembly and I think that’s when the realisation hit me - that this is the end.

I tried to embrace it for as long as possible, live in the moment, be present. Enjoy every minute, hug my friends, take as many photos as possible, but I could only feel myself growing nostalgic in the moment, because I was hyper aware of its temporality. I knew that it was the end, the end credits were rolling.

At the beginning of the school year, I wrote in one of my articles that I wanted to be more present this year, to not earnestly live in the future but to be content in the present. And whilst I’m not 100% of the way there, I do think that I’ve made some progress. I followed my dreams and applied to university abroad, I’ve put myself out there with my tiktok, I’m hopefully volunteering for a festival this summer, I’ve applied for so many different content creator roles. I wish that I could go back to myself in June and tell that Hannah that it would all work itself out and be fine. Except maybe I wouldn’t, because sometimes it’s the seasons of doubt that teach you to trust God the most.

Whilst some may argue that my childhood ended when I turned eighteen earlier this year, I would wholeheartedly disagree. My childhood has started to reach it’s end now that I’ve finished school, because I have no more legal obligations, education is now a choice. It’s now up to me - well not really, it’s up to God.

“You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.”

Ecclesiastes 11:9

I love you.

Your friend,

Hannah